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THE RECORD

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Every story. For better or considerably worse.

October 2026

Utah unveils its longest recruiting investment yet. The budget office would prefer everyone sleep on it.

Utah offers $2,800 baby bonus while BYU is still No. 2

College Football

An excellent day for the ground game, assisted by a strict interpretation of personal space.

Trump scores six touchdowns in BYU jersey after Secret Service bans touching

College Football

Freeman requests an equipment ruling. The referee is still working through the introductory material.

Notre Dame files targeting complaint after repeated hits with golden plates

College Football

One ambitious postgame plan. Four skeptical members of the selection committee.

BYU fan after Notre Dame thriller: “All my wives are getting lucky tonight!”

College Football

The Sideline Report’s Rules Committee bulletin.

NCAA scraps halftime; wins count double under 80 minutes

College Football

The Sideline Report’s Rules Committee bulletin.

NFL goes 12-on-12, expands games to six quarters

The Sideline Report’s Rules Committee bulletin.

NHL switches to grass; players asked to skate harder

The Sideline Report’s Rules Committee bulletin.

ATP adds multicolored balls, lets players use two at once

The Sideline Report’s Rules Committee bulletin.

NBA adopts NHL periods, bigger hoops to reward “close enough”

Tiafoe arrives in head-to-toe Skittles apparel, right down to the “Taste the Rainbow” socks.

Tiafoe leaves lululemon for Skittles in historic all-merchandise deal

Kiffin, Smart, Day, Cignetti, Freeman and Saban suit up. Cignetti is saving one hand for the ice cream.

SEC orders football coaches into full uniform, takes cue from MLB

College Football

Patrick Mahomes dives for the end zone as a Bills defender demonstrates the league’s new leather-to-leather protocol.

NFL Makes Sweeping Helmet Rule Change for 2027 Season

Jordan fields a question about his signature single earring. AI-generated editorial illustration.

Michael Jordan on wearing only one earring: “Y’all know what it meant”

Carlos Alcaraz celebrates another point while Charlie looks on from across the net.

Alcaraz rebounds from Shanghai exit, absolutely destroys Life Time’s 10 a.m. pickleball group

“Chad Skittles” watches from the stands beside a bag labeled SINNER and a badge labeled Jannik Sinner.

Sinner’s elaborate Shanghai disguise ruined by giant tennis bag that says “SINNER”

“He made contact. Today, that is enough.” Alcaraz oversees another breakthrough in adult pickleball development.

Alcaraz gives back, teaches underprivileged adults to play pickleball

Peyton Bowen returns an interception against Texas. Photo: Sutton Spinner / University of Oklahoma.

BOWEN DEMANDS $1.2 MILLION FOR PICK-SIX: TOLD MANNING TO "THROW ME THE DAMN BALL”

Milwaukee unloads its priorities outside Dodger Stadium. The welcoming committee brought wine glasses.

Brewers support staff: “All we're packing is Miller”

Alcaraz considers his next move as sponsors pack up and an agent offers a razor. AI-generated sports-satire artwork.

Alcaraz’s mustache backfires: Loses match, then all his sponsors

The Brewers’ equipment truck arrives with everything Milwaukee considers essential.

Miller time in Hollywood: Brewers refuse to enter wine-only clubhouse

Four hundred cases of Miller. The baseball equipment will have to make its own travel arrangements.

Brewers equipment truck seized: 400 cases of Miller, no baseball equipment

Alcaraz inspects his sagging racquet strings while Djokovic offers repairs and Bergs reminds everyone he also played. AI-generated sports-satire artwork.

Stringgate: Alcaraz upset in Shanghai, suspects Djokovic tampered with racquet strings

Gundy arrives for a one-on-one and leaves in charge of the coronation. Four-year reign announced; voters to be notified. AI-generated editorial artwork.

Gundy paves the way for Mestemaker royalty on the Heisman Couch

College Football

Lane Kiffin feeds a penalty flag to LSU’s giant tiger while Tiger Stadium celebrates. AI-generated sports-satire artwork.

Trash a Flag: NCAA lets coaches cancel any penalty once per game

College Football

Mestemaker relaxes with his claimed 2026–2029 Heismans while Jeremiah Smith handles the move. AI-generated sports-satire artwork.

Mestemaker calls dibs on next four Heismans: “Even when I’m in the NFL.”

College Football

Mestemaker’s four-Heisman campaign has entered its “name your conditions” phase. AI-generated sports-satire artwork.

Mestemaker: “I’ll win it in a wheelchair”

College Football

Mestemaker has apparently skipped the campaign and gone straight to the acceptance speech. AI-generated editorial illustration.

Move over, Jeremiah Smith: Drew Mestemaker is coming to crush your Heisman dreams

College Football

Belichick puts the new culture program into practice. AI-generated satire image.

Belichick hires Petey Pablo as Minister of Culture: “Come on and raise up”

College Football

Sarkisian, Smart and Belichick discover a new three-man rotation. “Song is so catchy, we had a blast.”

The Petey Pablo Effect: NCAA coaches spin shirts over their heads like helicopters

College Football

Phil Jackson and Gregg Popovich demonstrate the new dress code: full uniforms, full outrage.

Baseball had it right: NBA coaches required to wear uniforms

Ohtani adds college football peacekeeper to the résumé. Morris still wants to know whether the boat comes with a trailer.

Morris: “I’m coming for Smart’s job, house, and boat”

College Football

Bill Belichick at his North Carolina introduction. Photo: Anthony Sorbellini / UNC Athletics.

Belichick: “I’ll coach until I have seven nattys or I’m dead.”

College Football

From the Adolphus party files: televisions take flight above Mattress Mack’s growing landing zone.

Dallas PD in standoff with Switzer at Adolphus — 234 TVs thrown out the window and counting

Taste the rainbow. Return the rainbow. Alcaraz attempts to volley Tiafoe’s Skittles serve.

Tiafoe spits, throws, and kicks Skittles during match as he jumps for joy

Brent Venables grants the offense a one-time exception to the no-scoring plan.

OU beats Texas: Venables OKs offensive score to secure win

Old televisions and new flat screens take flight outside the Adolphus as Dallas celebrates Oklahoma’s victory.

Switzer starts chunking TVs out of windows with help from the Boz and Mack Brown

Cignetti’s Creamery returns in this Sideline Report satire.

Indiana escapes Nebraska; Cignetti admits ice cream business has cut into preparation time

College Football

Tom Brady sets the expectations for Bill Belichick’s Tar Heels. Sports satire; AI-generated newspaper artwork.

Gameday reaction: Don’t count out Bill Belichick’s Tar Heels for an ACC or national title

College Football

Mike Leach finds the Texas Edition, fueled by a foot-long corn dog and an unwavering commitment to the forward pass.

Raiders of the Lost Playbook: Mike Leach’s secret Texas Edition discovered

A backroom card game in Dallas, where rivalry results carry their own price.

How wins and losses were bought and sold in the Red River Rivalry

Chris Simms and Mack Brown reach a waiting limousine outside the Adolphus while the driver studies his passenger list.

Chris Simms and Mack Brown enter limousine; entire hotel suddenly looks busy

Brian Bosworth audits the hotel’s CRT and flat-screen inventory before Switzer’s Dallas ’85 revival.

The Boz named director of hotel operations

Vintage and modern televisions depart an Adolphus suite during preparations for the Dallas ’85 revival.

Dallas hotels request National Guard. Switzer requests more ice.

Jorge W.B. presents his remaining liquid assets, including a restaurant gift card still attached to its cardboard backing.

Jorge W.B. bets entire fortune on Longhorns: “There is simply no way this goes wrong”

Mattress Mack surveys his Arch Manning position, measured in king, queen and dangerously exposed twin.

Mattress Mack triples down on Arch Manning: “I have 14,000 mattresses riding on this kid”

An emergency hotel-damage summit reaches an impasse over Switzer’s definition of a refundable deposit.

Governor declares hotel emergency; Trump offers to renegotiate Switzer’s deposit

Major Applewhite demonstrates the proper Heisman pose outside the hotel while waiting for his limousine to be named the starter.

Major Applewhite strikes Heisman pose; asks valet to get the whole thing

The Superman moment revisited: Oklahoma’s No. 38 takes flight toward Texas quarterback Chris Simms.

Roy Williams agrees to relive Superman play; Simms requests ground transportation

Matthew McConaughey reveals a second layer of allegiance at an increasingly uncomfortable Red River press conference.

McConaughey confesses: “I’ve been a Notre Dame fan this whole time”

An apparition of John Blake joins a coaching search committee meeting conducted by fax and increasingly nervous eye contact.

John Blake enters OU coaching search from beyond the grave

OU and Texas fans escort an oversized corn dog through the State Fair as mustard supplies enter a critical phase.

Corndog mania grips Dallas: State Fair declares mustard emergency

Sark watches the losses mount as Ryan Day pulls the strings. McConaughey says he’ll cover the tab.

The manipulator: Ryan Day pulls the strings in Sark’s $412 million Kalshi collapse

Prime’s portfolio: Bitcoin for the coach, character-building volatility for everybody else.

Prime Suspect: Deion paid players in Luna, ICP and MAGIC — and kept the Bitcoin

College Football

Derek Jeter and David Ortiz conduct A-Rod’s performance review, one jar at a time.

A-Rod Gets Peanut Butter Faced in Public Shaming After Going 0 for His Last 162 Game Picks

Milwaukee’s clubhouse celebrates around the postseason’s most closely guarded steel drum.

Brewers High on Their Own Supply: Blast Their Way to 3–1 Victory With a Little Help From Miller

Ohtani fields questions while Mookie keeps the phones busy in the Dodgers clubhouse.

Dodgers Stop the Chop! Ohtani questioned about betting on series; suspected bookie is Mookie Bets

Texas running back Hollywood Smothers celebrates his Shmuckers endorsement with a trophy-sized jar of strawberry preserves.

Hollywood Smothers signs sweetest deal in college football with Shmuckers

Steve Sarkisian studies an oversized chessboard at the Texas State Fair.

Texas tells SEC it won’t play OU until everyone has to play at the State Fair

Aaron Judge’s dugout smoke break becomes the latest postseason controversy.

Judge finally lights up in October; MLB immediately investigates

Nick Saban pulls the headset off Kalen DeBoer while Kirby Smart laughs in the background.

Saban takes over as Alabama head coach as must-win Georgia game looms

College Football

Brent Venables presents the Sooners’ game plan: punt, play defense, and win 2–0 with a safety and a shutout.

Venables rules out scoring against Texas: “We have no plans to even try”

College Football

Tiger Woods leads golf’s comeback circus, with Rory’s 87-round scorecard, David Duval and Vijay Singh.

Tiger to golf: “I’m Not Done”

Surreal a glowing Toby Keith apparition addresses stunned OU tailgaters.

From beyond the grave: OU fans say Toby Keith told them “It’s our year”

Game, Set, Whack — The Sideline Report’s fictional Tennis Underworld cover.

GAME, SET, WHACK: Djokovic, Alcaraz implicated in bizarre Sinner “knee-capping” saga

Jannik Sinner arrives at practice in oversized hockey goalie pads — a satirical illustration.

Sinner begins wearing goalie pads between matches

The Sinner fiasco: an illustrated satirical investigation into the tennis tour’s increasingly nervous knees.

Vegas suspends Sinner “to finish season with both kneecaps” market

Novak Djokovic and his attorney confront the concept of baseball — a satirical illustration.

Djokovic attorney: “Novak has never even heard of baseball”

Kneecapgate: Sinner’s knees lawyer up in The Sideline Report’s tennis satire.

Sinner’s knees retain separate legal counsel

Rory McIlroy presents Tiger’s extraordinary bogey-free scorecard at Pebble Beach.

Rory: Tiger hasn’t made a bogey in more than 87 straight rounds

David Duval brings a beer funnel and a challenge to the driving range.

Duval bongs Guinness, tells Tiger: “Come Get Some”

Vijay Singh practices before dawn with an extraordinary supply of range balls.

Vijay: “I Was the Real Rival”

Phil Mickelson inspects a 500-yard reading at the practice range.

Phil says he can still drive it 500, will prove it at the Masters

Scottie Scheffler welcomes another season’s worth of trophies.

Scheffler: “Come to Papa” — “I Will Win Every Tournament”

Charles Barkley takes aim in Australia with Shaquille O’Neal on the bag.

Charles Barkley makes run at PGA Tour, plans to win Australian Open

Ernie Els monitors the comeback coverage with his clubs close at hand.

Ernie Els “Monitoring the Situation”

Steve Sarkisian outside a Las Vegas casino.

Sark’s secret Vegas trip raises questions

Sark’s new look has the Texas staff checking credentials.

Plastic surgery left Sark unrecognizable… in a good way

Framed OU basketball shorts rise into Lloyd Noble Center’s rafters.

David Godbold’s shorts retired at Lloyd Noble

Ebi Ere delivers his assessment of David Godbold’s potential.

Sooner great Ebi Ere sounds off: “He could have been the greatest”

Sarkisian says his team has almost no chance to beat OU

Sarkisian says his team has almost no chance to beat OU

Ohtani day-to-day after being tomahawk chopped

Ohtani day-to-day after being tomahawk chopped

Tiafoe jumps for joy as locker stocked with every Skittle ever made

Tiafoe jumps for joy as locker stocked with every Skittle ever made

Venables to play Sarkisian in best-of-3 Sudoku Challenge

Venables to play Sarkisian in best-of-3 Sudoku Challenge

Dodgers complain players were actually tomahawk chopped in gruesome bullpen battle

Dodgers complain players were actually tomahawk chopped in gruesome bullpen battle

Venables fires back: “Should have to play at the State Fair of Oklahoma”

Venables fires back: “Should have to play at the State Fair of Oklahoma”

Kyle Clow begs Venables to start eighth-grade daughter at quarterback

Kyle Clow begs Venables to start eighth-grade daughter at quarterback

Billy Bob Thornton warns fans to stay away from State Fair

Billy Bob Thornton warns fans to stay away from State Fair

September 2026

Curt Cignetti at his ice cream parlor.

Cignetti opens ice cream parlor as coaching world melts down

College Football

The coaching summit takes a competitive turn.

Smart, Saban, Kiffin & McEnroe come to blows over OU job

College Football

A coach celebrates another monster contract.

Don’t need winning seasons to get big bucks

College Football

Another preseason contract extension, before a single game has been played.

Preseason contract extensions become college football’s ultimate gold rush

College Football