Cignetti opens ice cream parlor as coaching world melts down
Coach unveils 9-Win Vanilla, Transfer Portal Fudge and a strict no-losing-flavors policy.
BLOOMINGTON, IN — While the rest of college football argued over coaching vacancies, contract extensions and whether John McEnroe could install grass courts in Norman, Curt Cignetti reportedly opened an ice cream parlor and announced that he expected to dominate that industry, too.
The shop, Cignetti’s Creamery, features a menu built around the coach’s two favorite ingredients: confidence and reminding people that he wins.
“Google me,” Cignetti allegedly told the first customer. “Then order.”
Opening-day flavors included 9-Win Vanilla, Big Cherry, Transfer Portal Fudge, Playoff Pistachio, Cignetti Crunch and Saltier Tears, a salted-caramel blend reportedly inspired by opposing fan bases.
Employees say the coach personally rejected a proposed flavor called Rebuilding Year Raspberry.
“We’re not rebuilding the cone. We’re winning with the cone.”
Customers hoping to sample several flavors were informed that the tasting spoon was a privilege, not a scholarship, and that anyone entering the transfer portal between chocolate and vanilla would have to explain the decision to the staff.
One assistant manager described an intense opening-week practice schedule involving waffle-cone conditioning, scoop discipline and situational sundae awareness.
“He made us run the two-minute drill with a hot-fudge order,” the employee said. “We got the cherry on with three seconds left. He still wasn’t happy with our pad level.”
Asked whether the new business might distract him from football, Cignetti reportedly pointed to a whiteboard reading 0 MELTDOWNS, then clarified that it referred to the staff rather than the ice cream.
Meanwhile, several college athletic departments are said to be studying whether a successful opening weekend warrants a ten-year extension for the parlor’s head scooper.
Cignetti declined to discuss expansion plans, other than to confirm he had already circled every rival ice cream shop on the schedule.
“They have flavors,” he said. “We have a program.”
