Utah offers $2,800 baby bonus while BYU is still No. 2
Indiana governor contractually obligated to set the mood after losing Notre Dame wager.
SALT LAKE CITY — Following BYU’s 28–24 victory over Notre Dame and rise to No. 2 in the AP poll, Utah officials announced a $2,800 tax credit for children conceived while celebrating the Cougars, urging residents to complete all qualifying activity before the next rankings come out.
“We are investing in the 2045 recruiting class,” the governor said, holding up a tiny football jersey. “You can’t build an offensive line through the transfer portal forever.”
The initiative, formally titled the Cougar Population and Competitive Depth Act, began as a one-page proclamation before the budget office asked how many people the man with the foam finger intended to claim.
That man, previously heard announcing that all his wives were getting lucky, arrived at the news conference with a calculator and described the evening as “a public-private partnership.”
His household requested that the state distinguish between projected production and actual results.
Proof of school spirit required
Applicants must certify that the victory materially influenced their decision. Merely having a baby nine months from now, an auditor explained, does not establish a direct connection to BYU football.
Couples who began celebrating at halftime will be denied on the grounds that the outcome was still in doubt. Couples who stopped when Notre Dame took the lead may apply for a partial credit, pending review of whether they regained momentum.
A bonus for prospective offensive linemen was withdrawn after officials realized every applicant had listed “excellent size for the position” on the prenatal scouting report.
The application’s original request for “supporting documentation” survived eleven minutes.
“Please do not send video,” the tax office clarified. “That field was intended for a ticket stub.”
Indiana supplies the entertainment
The launch ceremony will feature Indiana’s governor performing “Let’s Get It On” after losing what his staff had described as a friendly Notre Dame–BYU wager.
“I thought I was mailing a sweatshirt,” he said.
The agreement requires him to sing for the Tabernacle Choir, whose members will remain completely silent throughout the performance.
“I assumed ‘with the choir’ meant they would also sing,” the governor added, studying a second page he had not previously noticed.
Choir representatives requested a cash settlement after the first rehearsal. Utah declined, citing the rapidly expanding cost of the baby program.
The original BYU fan secured a front-row seat and began calculating how many dependents would be needed to cover a season-ticket renewal.
At press time, his wives had unanimously voted to take the standard deduction and go to bed.
