A-Rod Gets Peanut Butter Faced in Public Shaming After Going 0 for His Last 162 Game Picks

LOS ANGELES — Alex Rodriguez was peanut butter faced on live television Thursday after losing his 162nd consecutive game pick, prompting Derek Jeter and David Ortiz to administer what the broadcast described as “a long-overdue performance review.”

The punishment began moments after Rodriguez confidently selected the wrong winner in a game that had already ended. Jeter opened a jar. Ortiz rolled up his sleeves. Producers extended the segment by four minutes.

“For the first time all season,” Jeter said, “Alex is covered in a spread he can actually hold.”

A PERFECT SEASON, SOMEHOW

Rodriguez’s 0-for-162 run has baffled baseball statisticians, who initially suspected a spreadsheet error before discovering that the spreadsheet had a better record than Rodriguez.

His losses reportedly include favorites, underdogs, home teams, road teams and one afternoon when he picked both clubs and the game was postponed.

“We let him pick after the seventh inning,” a producer said. “Then after the ninth. Finally we put the final score on the monitor and asked him who he liked. He said he needed to see the bullpen matchups.”

At one point, Jeter suggested flipping a coin. Rodriguez selected the coin. It was later recalled.

JETER AND PAPI GO TO THE JAR

The disciplinary hearing was conducted at the studio desk, with Ortiz serving as chief spread officer and Jeter handling application, appeals and the second cheek.

“This isn’t personal,” Ortiz told Rodriguez, applying a thick layer of Jif across his forehead. “You said the Yankees had momentum. They were on the bus going home.”

Rodriguez attempted to explain that his process remained sound, but Jeter interrupted to ask whether the process came off a wool suit.

The broadcast’s analytics graphic briefly displayed EXPECTED WINNERS: 81. ACTUAL WINNERS: 0. JARS REQUIRED: 2.

A production assistant who tried to intervene was told to get a wider spatula.

“I ACCEPT IT AS KARMA”

Asked whether the public shaming was excessive, Rodriguez remained philosophical.

“I accept it as karma,” he said. “I’ve had a tremendous career, tremendous opportunities, and now a tremendous amount of peanut butter in my left ear.”

He then noted that, from a nutritional standpoint, the segment had provided valuable protein.

Jeter disagreed with the suggestion that the punishment was cruel.

“We gave him creamy,” he said. “That was the appeal.”

Ortiz, holding a second jar labeled extra crunchy, said the appeal had been denied.

CHOOSY MOMS CHOOSE JIF. EVERYONE ELSE CHOOSES THE OPPOSITE OF A-ROD.

Rodriguez’s televised picks have reportedly developed a devoted following among viewers who immediately select the other team. Several now refer to the pregame show as “direct deposit.”

One fan said he no longer watches baseball, studies pitching or checks lineups.

“I just wait for Alex to say he loves somebody,” the fan said. “Then I love the other somebody.”

The network is considering replacing Rodriguez’s prediction graphic with a warning label, although executives remain reluctant to interfere with what they described as “the only consistently accurate wrong answer in television.”

Jif declined an invitation to sponsor the segment after learning Rodriguez had picked the company to outperform Skippy.

CONFIDENCE REMAINS UNDEFEATED

Despite the setback, Rodriguez insisted he was close to turning things around.

“You have to trust the sample size,” he said. “I’m seeing the board really well. The next one is my lock of the year.”

Ortiz stopped laughing. Jeter slowly reached for the jar.

At press time, Rodriguez had predicted that the peanut butter would wash right out. The suit has been ruled out for the remainder of the postseason.