Governor declares hotel emergency; Trump offers to renegotiate Switzer’s deposit

DALLAS — Barry Switzer’s Dallas ’85 revival reached the highest levels of government Friday after Texas Governor Greg Abbott requested an inventory of downtown hotel televisions and received a handwritten answer reading BEFORE OR AFTER?

Abbott convened a hospitality emergency summit intended to establish who was responsible for replacing the furniture. President Donald Trump joined after being told the dispute involved a famous hotel, a very large bill and a man who refused to lose.

“We have beautiful televisions,” Trump told the assembled managers. “Barry has tremendous enthusiasm. We’re going to make a deal. Possibly the greatest damage deposit anybody’s ever seen.”

The summit has a two-drink minimum

The governor proposed a pause on all furniture movement until officials could determine the weekend’s scope. Switzer asked whether a pause counted as a television timeout.

Trump offered to negotiate a smaller deposit in exchange for renaming a ballroom. Hotel representatives explained that the ballroom’s continued existence was one of the issues under discussion.

Mattress Mack volunteered emergency bedding. The governor asked whether it was a donation. Mack said the answer depended on Arch Manning’s third-down efficiency.

Nobody can federalize the minibar

The Boz produced a logistics map showing incoming guests, outgoing appliances and an area labeled DO NOT PUT THE PODIUM HERE. An aide immediately moved the podium.

Trump proposed that Switzer simply declare the party a tremendous success and conclude it. Switzer said he agreed with the first part.

Abbott asked for a final estimate of the damage. Switzer replied that there were still two nights remaining and he did not appreciate being asked to limit his team’s potential.

At press time, the emergency declaration had been converted into a bar tab. All three offices denied responsibility for the tip.