Texas tells SEC it won’t play OU until everyone has to play at the State Fair

AUSTIN — Texas has informed the Southeastern Conference that it will not play Oklahoma until every other conference member is required to conduct at least one meaningful football game inside a state fair, according to a letter delivered with a corn dog stapled to the cover sheet.

“Until everyone has to play at the State Fair, we refuse,” a Longhorns spokesman said. “Other schools get a normal road game. We get a neutral-site rivalry, livestock judging and a man selling deep-fried butter within earshot of our third-down meeting.”

The complaint describes an uneven competitive landscape in which Texas must prepare for Oklahoma while simultaneously accounting for Ferris-wheel visibility, funnel-cake exposure and the psychological pressure of being watched by an enormous cowboy.

SARK PLAYS EIGHT-DIMENSIONAL CHESS

Steve Sarkisian denied that the demand was an attempt to avoid the Sooners. Instead, he said it represented the latest move in an eight-dimensional chess match whose rules could not be explained to anyone still using an ordinary calendar.

“You see a football game,” Sarkisian said, standing beside a chessboard that required a forklift. “I see a bishop on a midway, three parallel timelines and a fried Oreo that has not yet revealed its intentions.”

When asked which piece represented Oklahoma, Sark pointed to an empty square and requested that reporters respect the complexity of his preparation.

WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS?

The strategy announcement followed rumors of a secret Las Vegas trip. Sources could not agree whether Sark had visited a casino, attended a strategy summit or simply followed a particularly promising buffet sign.

Texas declined to release an itinerary, citing national security, competitive advantage and the fact that several receipts were still inside a blazer at the cleaners.

A MIRACULOUS GLOW-UP

Further confusion arose when Sark returned looking, in the words of one observer, “unrecognizable… in a good way.” Several assistants reportedly complimented his appearance before asking whether he had been authorized to enter the building.

A school spokesman attributed the transformation to hydration, better lighting and an offseason so productive it apparently included a new jawline. Sark refused to identify a surgeon, stylist or dimension.

OKLAHOMA RECEIVES A DIFFERENT KIND OF SCOUTING REPORT

Across the Red River, OU fans say Toby Keith appeared in their dreams and told them, “It’s our year.” The revelation has been embraced as a preseason ranking issued from a jurisdiction outside the playoff committee’s authority.

“I was going to look at the offensive line,” one fan said. “Then Toby said it was our year. That settled the film review.”

The university has not confirmed the prophecy, although several tailgates have already installed a chair marked for supernatural guests.

HISTORY IN THE RAFTERS

Meanwhile, David Godbold’s basketball shorts are being ceremonially retired at Lloyd Noble Center, creating what one administrator called “a much-needed moment of fabric-based unity.” The shorts will hang independently of a jersey, a distinction organizers insist is both deliberate and historically overdue.

Sooner great Ebi Ere offered the most solemn assessment of the week: “He could have been the greatest.” Nobody immediately asked greatest at what, allowing the statement to grow substantially more important overnight.

RED RIVER STANDOFF CONTINUES

The SEC has proposed a compromise under which all sixteen schools must spend one afternoon near a petting zoo. Texas rejected the offer because it did not include a full-size midway or the possibility of a marching band being drowned out by a generator.

At press time, Sarkisian had advanced a knight into the livestock pavilion. Oklahoma fans said Toby had already predicted that move.