McConaughey confesses: “I’ve been a Notre Dame fan this whole time”
Texas Minister of Culture unzips orange jacket to reveal Fighting Irish shirt; Austin begins reviewing every “all right.”
DALLAS — Matthew McConaughey shook the foundation of Texas fandom Friday by announcing that beneath the burnt orange, the sideline speeches and the decades of extremely confident eye contact, he had been a Notre Dame fan the entire time.
He then unzipped his jacket to reveal a Fighting Irish shirt.
“Sometimes you take the long road,” he said. “Sometimes that road goes through South Bend.”
The room went silent except for a Texas booster attempting to calculate how much culture could be returned without a receipt.
All right. All right. Go Irish.
McConaughey said the clues had been there for years. His affection for tradition. His comfort discussing destiny. His tendency to turn any eight-minute interview into a feature-length explanation of belief.
“When I said all right,” he explained, “I meant all rites. A lot of ritual up there.”
An aide immediately asked him to stop helping.
Texas officials have begun auditing his past speeches for concealed references to the Golden Dome. The phrase “keep climbing” is now under review because Notre Dame has several buildings with stairs.
The briefcase contains perspective
Asked why he had arrived at the West End accounts meeting carrying a briefcase, McConaughey opened it to reveal a Notre Dame scarf and an extremely persuasive explanation of why everyone should remain calm.
The Boz asked whether any part of the explanation could be deposited.
Mattress Mack said he felt misled but was willing to discuss a separate furniture promotion if the Irish needed beds. Switzer said he had suspected something ever since McConaughey used the word independent approvingly.
At press time, Texas was searching for an interim Minister of Culture. The application now includes the question: WHO DO YOU MEAN BY “WE”?
