Jorge W.B. bets entire fortune on Longhorns: “There is simply no way this goes wrong”

DALLAS — Local gambling visionary Jorge W.B. has reportedly placed his entire fortune on Texas, assuring friends that he has considered every possible outcome and found all of them to be Texas winning.

The portfolio includes his retirement accounts, two vehicles, a disputed timeshare and an unopened $40 Chili’s gift card described in the ledger as STRATEGIC RESTAURANT RESERVES.

Several assets appear to belong to other people. Jorge calls that diversification.

“There is simply no way this goes wrong,” he announced, beneath a burnt-orange cowboy hat that had already been listed as collateral.

A fully researched position

Jorge’s analysis consists of a photograph of Arch Manning, a childhood memory and the phrase “due for one” underlined three times.

When an adviser asked about downside protection, Jorge pointed toward the brim of his hat. When asked about liquidity, he requested another drink.

The timeshare has complicated the transaction. Nobody can establish whether Jorge owns the week, merely has access to the presentation, or signed up because they offered breakfast.

“That’s waterfront exposure,” he said. “It’s in a very exciting part of Orlando.”

Identification pending

Witnesses disagree about whether Jorge is a former president, a man doing a former-president impression or a former-president impression doing some very aggressive financial planning. His paperwork lists occupation as TEXAS.

Mattress Mack praised his commitment but asked that the Chili’s card be independently appraised. The Boz rejected an attempt to value it at $43 on the basis of “potential chips.”

Jorge has promised to remain calm throughout the game. He defines calm as standing perfectly still while explaining to strangers what one third down means for his estate.

At press time, the gift card was the only asset anyone could verify. It had a remaining balance of $11.62.