Mestemaker calls dibs on next four Heismans: “Even when I’m in the NFL.”

STILLWATER, OK — Drew Mestemaker has announced that he will win the Heisman Trophy this year and each of the next three years, including any seasons in which he happens to be playing in the NFL, telling the rest of college football to “use this time to develop other interests.”

The Oklahoma State quarterback unveiled four empty spaces in his trophy case labeled 2026, 2027, 2028 and 2029. A fifth was marked FLEX SPACE in case he feels like being generous with his time.

“I’ll win it this year. I’ll win it next year. I’ll win it the two years after that,” Mestemaker said. “Going to the NFL isn’t going to make me worse at football.”

Eligibility sounds like somebody else’s problem

Reminded that the Heisman is a college football award, Mestemaker nodded patiently, as though someone had just explained a speed limit to a fighter jet.

“I understand it’s a college award. That sounds like a problem for the college.”

His campaign has proposed keeping his student email account active, leaving one library book unreturned and occasionally driving through campus as proof of continued college involvement.

“If I’m still getting emails about a parking permit, I’m eligible,” he said. “You can’t have it both ways.”

Mestemaker has also instructed his future NFL team to reserve the second weekend of December for his annual Heisman ceremony. The request appears in his proposed contract between guaranteed money and a clause prohibiting teammates from asking whether he is serious.

“I’m happy to play Sunday,” he said. “But Saturday I’ve got my thing.”

Jeremiah Smith offered a supporting role

Asked whether Ohio State receiver Jeremiah Smith could challenge him, Mestemaker said he absolutely could — for the right to introduce him at the ceremony.

“Jeremiah has incredible hands. I’ve got a couch that needs moving. I see a real partnership here.”

The remaining finalists have been invited to Stillwater to help assemble shelving. Their gift bags contain an Allen wrench, a participation coaster and a laminated copy of Drew’s acceptance speech so they can follow along.

Smith is currently the campaign’s favorite for Best Supporting Receiver, an award that carries no trophy because Mestemaker says they are going to need all the bronze.

Voters urged to think four years ahead

The campaign has asked voters to complete their next four ballots now, explaining that nobody should have to watch an entire additional football season merely to arrive at the same conclusion.

Mestemaker has already written four acceptance speeches. Each begins, “As I told you,” and grows shorter as he becomes increasingly irritated that a ceremony is still necessary.

His incompletions will be classified as community service. Opposing cornerbacks will receive signed certificates confirming they were in the vicinity. The trophy’s stiff arm has been reinterpreted as a request for the other finalists to remain that far away from his belongings.

“I’ve already thanked my family through 2029,” Mestemaker said. “They know what they did.”

At press time, the campaign was declining questions about a fifth consecutive Heisman, citing Mestemaker’s desire to remain grounded.

Previously: Move over, Jeremiah Smith — Mestemaker wants the Heisman →