Hollywood Smothers signs sweetest deal in college football with Shmuckers
Texas running back unveils landmark jam partnership, considers changing his name to Strawberry Preserves Smothers.
AUSTIN — Texas running back Hollywood Smothers has signed a landmark endorsement agreement with Shmuckers, announcing a partnership that industry analysts have already described as the first NIL deal requiring refrigeration after opening.
The agreement was unveiled at a press conference where Smothers posed with a jar of strawberry preserves approximately the size of a defensive coordinator’s torso.
“Hollywood was a great name,” Smothers said. “But Strawberry Preserves Smothers has generational appeal.”
FOURTEEN MILLION DOLLARS. UNLIMITED JELLY.
The reported $14 million package includes national advertising rights, lifetime jelly and an appearance as honorary grand marshal of the State Fair’s jam competition.
A company spokesman declined to say how much of the contract would be paid in cash and how much would arrive in refrigerated pallets.
“We believe in transparency,” he said, holding the enormous glass jar up to the lights. “You can see right through the container.”
Texas compliance officials have asked whether lifetime jelly counts against the program’s revenue-sharing allocation. Shmuckers replied that it would depend on how long he lived and whether he developed an interest in toast.
SARK WANTS THE BALL SECURED
Steve Sarkisian welcomed the partnership but expressed concern after Smothers arrived at practice with strawberry preserves on both gloves.
“We’re excited about his brand,” Sarkisian said. “We’d prefer the brand not be on the football.”
The coach has reportedly installed an eight-dimensional breakfast formation featuring Smothers in the backfield, two tight ends and a slot receiver holding a butter knife.
Asked whether the new package was designed to beat Oklahoma, Sarkisian said it was designed to spread the defense.
THE SWEETEST BACKFIELD IN AMERICA
Shmuckers executives said Smothers was selected for his combination of name recognition, open-field ability and a surname that sounded like something their product ought to do to a biscuit.
“We watched him make a cut,” one executive said. “Then we watched him make a sandwich. We knew.”
Arch Manning has reportedly asked whether the partnership includes peanut butter. His representatives were told that negotiations with the complementary spread were still ongoing.
Oklahoma’s defensive staff has already added a section titled JAM RESPONSIBILITY to its rivalry preparation. Brent Venables said the Sooners would remain disciplined and avoid biting on any play-action involving breakfast.
“We’ve got to contain him,” Venables said. “Preferably in a tightly sealed jar.”
At press time, Smothers was reviewing a proposed commercial in which he stiff-arms a cornerback, reaches the end zone and carefully checks the lid for a satisfying pop. His agent called it a natural extension of the brand. Texas called it a touchdown, pending a ruling on whether the jar crossed the plane.
