Sarkisian says his team has almost no chance to beat OU
“You can’t prepare for a team this bad. It messes with your head.”
AUSTIN, TX — Steve Sarkisian has reportedly discovered a fatal flaw in Oklahoma’s offense: it is so confusing that Texas can no longer tell whether preparing for it constitutes preparation at all.
“You spend all week studying tendencies,” Sarkisian said. “Then you realize the tendency is that anything could happen, including nothing. How do you coach against nothing?”
Assistants were instructed to assemble a scout team capable of recreating the Sooners’ unpredictability. The first unit ran the correct play by mistake and was immediately replaced.
One Texas analyst described watching the same third down seventeen times before concluding it might actually be an elaborate fourth down.
Across the Red River, Brent Venables offered little clarification. Asked whether Oklahoma planned to score, he reportedly shrugged with the confidence of a man who knows the question cannot legally be answered before kickoff.
Texas is now preparing three contingency plans: win the game, lose the game, and spend the entire second quarter asking what just happened.
At press time, both fan bases remained absolutely certain the other one was overconfident.
