Morris: “I’m coming for Smart’s job, house, and boat”

STILLWATER, OK — Oklahoma State head coach Eric Morris has clarified his long-term commitment to the Cowboys: win a national championship, thank the fans, and move directly into Kirby Smart’s house.

“Kirby, I’m coming for your job, your house, and your boat,” Morris announced, pointing across a football sideline while Shohei Ohtani attempted to keep the two coaches apart.

Morris insisted he would finish the job in Stillwater before leaving, assuring supporters that the moving truck would remain parked until the final whistle of the national championship game.

“I promised these people a title,” he said. “I didn’t promise them a second winter.”

A very specific succession plan

What began as a routine discussion of program building reportedly escalated when Morris produced a three-ring binder labeled GEORGIA: TURNKEY OPPORTUNITY.

The first page contained an offensive depth chart. The second contained a floor plan. The third was a photograph of a boat with the words ASK ABOUT ENGINE HOURS circled in orange.

“I respect what Kirby has built,” Morris said. “Especially the covered patio. You can tell somebody put some thought into that.”

Smart asked whether Morris was threatening to beat his football team or attempting to buy his property.

“I haven’t settled on a financing structure,” Morris replied. “Let’s not get bogged down in paperwork.”

Ohtani adds a third role

The confrontation drew an unexpected intervention from Ohtani, who arrived in full Dodgers uniform and immediately assumed responsibility for separating two grown men arguing over a hypothetical dock transfer.

Ohtani planted himself between the coaches, one hand on each chest, while Morris continued asking whether the boat came with a trailer.

“I thought being a two-way player was enough,” Ohtani said. “Apparently I’m doing conflict resolution now.”

Neither coaching staff could explain why he was there. Both agreed he was the only person handling the situation professionally.

Smart demanded that Morris focus on winning games at Oklahoma State. Morris nodded and asked whether Smart planned to leave the outdoor furniture.

Fully committed, temporarily

Back in Stillwater, university officials praised their coach’s championship ambitions while requesting that all future recruiting presentations end before the slide titled PHASE TWO: ATHENS.

Morris said he understood the concern and would continue giving Oklahoma State everything he had, with the possible exception of his forwarding address.

“These fans deserve a parade,” he said. “And I intend to be on that float until it gets close enough to the interstate.”

At press time, Ohtani had successfully separated the coaches but was unable to stop Morris from asking Smart for the boat’s Wi-Fi password.