Tiger to golf: “I’m Not Done”

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla. — Tiger Woods announced he is “close” to a real comeback and intends to break Jack Nicklaus’s major championship record, immediately transforming a quiet practice session into golf’s least supervised reunion.

“I know what I’m capable of,” Woods said, resting a club over his shoulder. “I’m close. When it’s there, I’m going to go get it. I will break Jack’s record.”

Asked which physical adjustments remained, Woods said “a few minor things.” His team declined to say whether those things were joints, tendons or entire calendar years.

David Duval responded from an adjacent practice stall by bonging Irish beer and shouting “Come get some.” He had arrived carrying a 2-iron, a VHS tape of the 2001 Open Championship and the absolute certainty that somebody still owned a VCR.

Rory McIlroy offered the most astonishing assessment: Tiger has not made a bogey in more than 87 straight rounds. All at Pebble Beach. Rory was talking about Tiger’s scorecards, a point he repeated after reporters began congratulating him.

“I’ve seen him play. It doesn’t make sense,” McIlroy said. “He shot 51 last Tuesday.” Asked which tees Tiger had used, Rory replied, “I’m not getting into that.”

A subsequent review found extensive use of the forward junior tees, occasional cart-path starts “to simulate Augusta” and a generous interpretation of what constituted a practice putt. McIlroy said none of that explained the 51.

Vijay Singh announced his own comeback before anyone could ask him a question. “I was always Tiger’s biggest rival,” said Singh, who has reportedly been hitting 1,700 balls a day specifically in anticipation of this moment. “Phil was entertaining. Ernie was pleasant. I was the threat.”

Ernie Els initially declined to comment. Three hours later, he confirmed that he was “monitoring the situation” and asked someone to locate his competitive pants.

Phil Mickelson, who had heard none of the briefing, issued a statement declaring that he can still drive it 500 yards and will prove it at the Masters. A follow-up video credited coffee, calves and “neurological intent.”

Scottie Scheffler welcomed every returning legend with “Come to Papa,” then announced, “I will win every tournament.” Tournament officials asked whether that included events he had not entered. Scheffler said they should leave room on the trophy anyway.

Charles Barkley subsequently announced a run at the PGA Tour, beginning with a plan to win the Australian Open. His preparation includes a passport, a new wedge and a strong belief that the Southern Hemisphere will reverse his swing problems.

John Daly arrived at Augusta for a qualifier that does not exist. “They told me there’s no qualifier,” he said. “That sounds like fear.”

Finally, Woods was asked when the comeback begins. “Soon.” How soon? “Very soon.” The Masters? “Could be.” Next year?

Woods paused. “I said close. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

At press time, the comeback had been upgraded to “extremely close.” Nobody would define close.