Switzer announces Red River blowout: “We’re throwing TVs out of windows again”
Former Sooners coach books an entire Dallas hotel floor, orders 37 televisions and promises the return of West End rules.
DALLAS — Barry Switzer has announced a massive Red River weekend blowout in the West End, promising Oklahoma fans a return to the glory days when hotel televisions were considered both entertainment systems and disposable sporting equipment.
“I’ve already ordered 37 televisions,” Switzer told organizers. “Nobody’s watching a damn one of them.”
The former Sooners coach has reportedly booked an entire hotel floor and requested rooms with generous windows, sturdy ice buckets and what a reservation clerk described as “an alarming lack of interest in the breakfast buffet.”
WEST END RULES ARE BACK
Switzer said the celebration would follow the original West End rulebook, a document that has never been written down because everyone involved agrees that would create evidence.
“People keep asking what time the party starts,” he said. “If you’re asking, you’re already late.”
The hotel initially offered complimentary late checkout. After reviewing the equipment list, management amended the offer to complimentary early departure.
A delivery driver arriving with the televisions asked whether Switzer wanted them connected to cable. Switzer said that was unnecessary but thanked him for thinking long term.
DALLAS SEEKS CLARIFICATION
Dallas police have asked the coach to clarify whether the televisions will be thrown before or after the game.
“That depends on the game,” Switzer said. “But I don’t want anybody thinking a win gets the televisions off the hook.”
Organizers have established a cordoned-off landing zone, assigned a television coordinator and hired a graduate assistant whose only responsibility is to shout “CLEAR” with the confidence of a special-teams coach.
Hotel management requested a damage deposit. Switzer asked whether they accepted national championships.
STOOPS CALLS IT A REBUILDING YEAR
Bob Stoops reportedly toured the suite and described the event as “a solid foundation,” although he questioned whether 37 televisions would be enough for a four-quarter celebration.
“We’ve got to develop depth,” Stoops said. “You don’t want to get to midnight and realize you’re down to the lobby screen.”
Several younger fans asked whether the televisions would be modern flat screens. Switzer rejected the proposal immediately.
“You can’t bring a 65-inch smart TV to an old-fashioned blowout,” he said. “That’s not tradition. That’s a sail.”
The event’s official itinerary lists a welcome reception, a brief discussion of Oklahoma football and an unspecified period labeled PROPERTY MOVEMENT.
At press time, Switzer was inspecting the hotel’s television inventory and asking why the presidential suite only came with three. “For this price,” he said, “the president ought to have more options.”
